


You Can't Change Him

by ghoulboys



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Demon Phil, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of Death, Pastel Dan, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, lots of death, technically Phil is a demon so he isn't punk but, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 23:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7865671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulboys/pseuds/ghoulboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Lester died around four years ago, when he was eighteen. Now he's a demon, and he's stuck in Hell.</p><p>In Hell, demons get assigned to living people to convert them to a life of a sinner. It's basically a game of "I can get more than you" with God, as Lucifer, or Satan, wants his army to be bigger than the guy up there himself.</p><p>It was kind of a "Fuck You" to him for kicking him out of Heaven. Or whatever happened then.</p><p>Phil Lester hasn't been on a case in five years. One day he's called to Lucifer's office, and told that, well, he's their last hope. If Phil Lester can't convert this boy, no one can and he's a lost cause.</p><p>The boy's name is Dan Howell and he's a bratty, straight-a pastel kid.</p><p>How hard can it be?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO! Thank you for clicking on this story and decide to give it a chance! I'm super excited to be working on it.  
> First of all - YES. I'm aware it sounds a lot like Welcome to Hell, and before you attack me, IT ISN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.  
> The idea seems familiar, but it will switch up and it will be nothing alike the short video.  
> (By the way, if you haven't seen that video, go check it out, it's pretty great)  
> SECONDLY, I'm really bad at updating, but I'm gonna try and update once every week or two.  
> No promises on what day.
> 
> PS. I have not read the Bible - I know nothing of it and I have very little knowledge about God and Lucifer and that whole fiasco. I am not religious at all so this is probably a really bad idea, but you know. I felt like doing it so I did.
> 
> Lucifer will trash-talk God a little bit but it's all in fun and games! I have no beef with the man upstairs. Mostly because I don't believe in him that much. 
> 
> Please don't read if you're sensitive to that kind of stuff! 
> 
> Kudos/Comments/Bookmarks are appreciated and keep me going!  
> Most of the story will be drafted but if you wanna see something happen, comment and I'll see what I can do!

Phil was surprised when he was assigned to someone.

Not only because he was probably the most innocent one around, but because who he was assigned to seemed to be their hardest case. He just wouldn't give in. Maybe it was their methods, or maybe the boy was too good for them. But Lucifer was getting impatient, and he needed someone to grab the kid before God did.

So they sent Phil. Was it a bad idea? Yeah- he'd probably fail like the rest. Firstly because he hadn't done one of these in years. His last case took him years to finish, and the only reason his assignment gave in was because Phil was  _so damn annoying_  they couldn't handle it. He was way too cheerful for someone who had just suggested you stab someone in the eye. Secondly because the best converters have failed, and that usually meant whoever it was is a lost cause and is probably a hardcore Christian.

You're probably confused. Let me explain - Phil Lester is a demon. Not the best one, sure, but well known. He's been around for only a few years, lurking Hell. He's seen things and done things, and he just wished that he could go back in time and change it all, what had led him to this life. But he knew there was no going back - he was stuck in Hell and would be there for hundreds of more years.

Not that he cared anymore.

"Why me again?" Phil asked, taking the files from Lucifer- or, Satan, if you wish. Sometimes they called him Lucy just to mess with him, but he didn't really approve of such nicknames.

"I've told you about five times now," Lucifer sighed, stepping back. You'd probably imagine him as the big guy with the red skin, the scary horns and demon face, but he didn't look like that at all. He was exactly a foot taller than Phil - standing at 7'2, wearing a stylish red tuxedo that had a snazzy name tag on it, with the name Lucifer in all capitals and the Classic Roman font. He tugged at his bow-tie, obviously impatient with Phil, before placing both hands on his desk, leaning forward.

"I have sent out almost everyone, Philip-"

"-Just Phil, thanks."

"-And you're the last one I have before I begin sending out newcomers. If you can't do it, Philip, he's a lost cause. And I cannot lose anymore potential members to that scumbag living above us."

"Right," Phil said slowly, tucking the case files under his arm, tugging his black shirt down a little bit, "What about putting more than one of us on the case? Maybe that'll help - several voices can drive him mad, you know." The patient smile he gave Lucifer did not help the situation.

"You think I don't know that? I've  _tried_ , Phil. He just won't crack." Lucifer stared down at him, and if Phil had a soul, he would've sworn Lucifer's red, hot eyes were staring into it. "I'm not expecting you to succeed, Phil. But please, try your best."

Phil let out a quiet sigh and stepped back, beginning to get uncomfortable with the staring. "Yes, sir. Of course." He chewed the inside of his cheek gently, and couldn't help but look away, taking in Lucifer's office a little bit. The blinds were closed, but that didn't help the red glow of the room, and Phil pretended he didn't feel squeamish with the photos of Lucifer's many victims framed on the walls. Lucifer quickly cleared his throat and Phil's eyes snapped back to him.

"Alright, Phil. All your information is in there, get to work as soon as possible. You're dismissed." He fell back into his chair and snapped. Phil felt himself get turned around and the door opened, and a mysterious force of air pushed him out of the room. The door slammed behind him, and he flinched.

Hell was an undesirable place to be. As expected, Lucifer was kind of a dick and the other demons were as well, as most of them were either murders or people who ended up there by accident and took their anger out on others. 

You probably expect Hell to be some fiery place where everyone suffers for all eternity. Not really. Hell was quite empty at times, actually. Most demons were busy with cases and couldn't stop by much, unless their target was easy and they received time off for doing a good job. Plus, it was like one big office building that was glowing red. There were windows and you could leave the building, but where would you even go? To the Lava Lakes? Unlikely.

"Hey, Phil! Is that.. A case file I see? You got an assignment?" There was a voice coming from his left, and he turned to see his good friend, PJ, standing there.

"Oh, hey, PJ. This?" He took out the file and bit his lip hesitantly. "Yeah, I did. The one that no one can convert." He wanted to open it then, but knew he should wait until he got somewhere privater, where he wouldn't be attacked at all sides.

"Good luck, mate! Gordan couldn't even get close, so this'll be fun. Don't take too long, and don't be too hard on yourself if he won't turn to the dark side. It won't be your fault." He winked, and Phil gave him a small smile in return before walking off to the nearest elevator. 

He was there in a heartbeat, as demons had supernatural abilities and could basically teleport to wherever they were thinking. Thankfully no other demons were around, and Phil was alone with his thoughts.

And then the elevator stopped, and he was on his desired floor, faced with a long, red hallway. He began venturing down it, keeping his eyes on the door numbers until he saw his, which was 101909.  Such a big number, but there were a lot of demons, so it's not like he'd get a small number like one or something. Hell had been around long before him. The number would've been bigger if so many people weren't Catholic in Renaissance times.

He grabbed the door handle and waited until it gave him the small beep, telling him that it had recognized him and he could enter. The door unlocked and opened with a quick turn and push of the handle, and Phil was greeted with an unwelcome guest. 

"Zoe!" He almost froze, staring at the demon, who's appearance scared him so much he could barely breathe. Her hair was black and went all the way down to her bare feet, and her skin was almost grey, it was so lifeless. Her lips were dark red and it brought out her vivid blue eyes, which seemed to stare at him with surprise.

"I didn't think you'd be back this early.." Her voice was raspy, and she stood up, brushing her hair back. He didn't even glance at her revealing clothes. "I guess I'll be going.." She slowly walked past him, and Phil shivered when she brushed arms with him. As they touched she seemed to revert back to her usual appearance - a twenty-six year old British girl with blonde hair and lighter skin. "I'll see you around." Her voice was back to normal, and the door closed behind her, almost automatically.

Phil sighed. Zoe could be terrifying at times, and he never really understood why she chose to torture him in particular. What did he ever do wrong? It wasn't his fault her boyfriend ended up as an angel. Couldn't she take it out on someone else?

He made his way over to his dark coloured sofa, which dipped under his weight and he threw the case file onto his coffee table carelessly, dragging his hands down his face.  _Get to work as soon as possible_. Lucifer's words rung in his ears.

He leaned forward, opening the file up slowly and carefully, as if any fast movements would harm it.

As soon as he laid eyes on the picture of the boy, there was a knock at the door and he turned to see that someone had already opened it, but was leaning against the wall with a cigarette in his hand. 

"You got assigned to the case?" Phil was staring at the ginger demon known as Gordan. He was a little bit of an asshole, but he was one of the best converters out there. He had to respect him.

"Yeah, I'm apparently Lucifer's last hope. But I doubt I'll be able to succeed if you didn't," Truth be told, Phil looked up to the guy a little bit. He was one of Lucifer's favourites, just because he got the job done quickly. He couldn't blame him.

"Well, congratulations," Gordan propped himself off the wall and dropped his cigarette, stomping on it, "But there's one thing you gotta know."

Phil raised an eyebrow. "And what's that?"

"You can't change him. He's impossible."

Phil stared at him for a few seconds, watching him begin to exit the room, and spoke when Gordan turned to close the door, eyes narrowed.

"Watch me."

Then Gordan was gone, and Phil was left all alone, back to looking at the case file. 

The picture of the boy threw him off. It was obviously a school photo, yet he held a purple lollipop to his mouth and had quite the smirk, which complimented his mischievous brown eyes that rested under the brown side fringe. He had to admit, the boy was cute, and looked like a kid that'd get bullied. But he was obviously strong if he had survived all the demons trying to convert him. A sigh escaped his lips as he looked at the information to the side of him.

 **NAME** : Daniel James Howell  
**SEX** : Male  
**D.O.B** : June 11 1991  
**PARENTS** : Deceased  
**RELIGION** : Atheist

"This is the smallest case file I've ever seen." Phil muttered, turning the page over to find a map. The map showed Daniel's locations, which were footprints with a circle around them. They were currently moving, which told Phil that he was travelling somewhere. Then he noticed that up the road, the road that Daniel was on, there seemed to be a school. He must be venturing there, He realized and let out a quiet huff.  "I guess I should meet him there, then."

And then he was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meetings and greetings.

Phil wasn't used to the real world.  
  
He hadn't been up there in twelve years, and he had forgotten that he would have to go invisible before he teleported, and not doing so would result in tons of people seeing him just appear.  
  
"Get out of the way!" A voice shouted, and he was suddenly pushed off the road by none other than Dan Howell, the car that had been going towards him zipping past. He stared at him in shock.

"What the hell was that? Why would you just stand in the middle of the road?" Dan went off at him, and Phil had no idea what to do. "You could have died, you fucking spoon!" He finally spoke when Dan had calmed down.  
  
"You know, for a pastel kid you swear quite a lot." The corner of the demons mouth twitched seeing Dan's reaction.  
  
"Just because I wear pastel doesn't mean I have to be nice, that's kind of a dick thing to think, no offense." Daniel crossed his arms, glaring down at the demon.

  
"Right, sorry. Are you headed.. Um, there?" Phil pointed to the school, and Dan nodded.   
  
"Are you?" He questioned, and Phil panicked a little bit. What would he say? He couldn't disguise himself as a student, could he?  
  
"Well, um, yeah. We can walk there together, if you'd like." Phil suggested, and watched Dan look conflicted for a few seconds before he replied.  
  
"Sure. Just to make sure you don't kill yourself, and I've never seen you around the school before, so you must be new. Let's go." Dan began walking, and Phil took a few seconds to wish for cigarettes and have them appear in his hand. "Are you coming?" Dan called, and Phil looked over.  
  
"Yeah! Sorry." He shoved the cigarettes in his pocket and hurried over. The walk was quiet, until Phil took out the case. "Want one?" He questioned, opening it up. Truth was, Phil had never smoked before, so he had no idea what he was really doing.  
  
"Not really," Dan glanced at the cigarettes, "My dad died from lung cancer."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Silence. Uncomfortable silence. Phil shoved the cigarettes away, taking mental notes. No smoking, that wouldn't get Dan anywhere. "Sorry."  
  
"Hey, don't worry about it. You didn't know." Dan spoke, and Phil felt a hand on his shoulder. He smiled at him, and opened his mouth to say something back, but Dan spoke again. "We're here! I guess I should get to my locker. See you later, new kid."   
  
Phil waved to him, and as soon as he was gone, the boy dashed to behind the school. He flicked the cigarettes away, as he wouldn't be needing them anymore, and looked around before making himself invisible to all.  
  
Being a demon had its perks. He had supernatural abilities- he could make objects appear and disappear at his will, and was able to appear visible or invisible to mortals. That isn't all- no, there was so much more. He was able to change his appearance at will, teleport and twist the truth.  
  
So why couldn't he use those to his advantage?   
  
Phil snapped his fingers and the case file dropped at his feet, appearing out of no where. He picked it up and slid onto the grass, beginning to write in it with the pen that had come with it.  
  
\- Dad died of lung cancer  
\- Against smoking  
  
It was a start. Not the best, but a start.   
  
So smoking was out of the question. What else would label Dan as a sinner? Lots of things, really. But atheists never went to Hell for simple things, no. Not for eating meat on certain days, not for using God's name in vain. They didn't know that the man upstairs was real, so God let them pass on most of that. Things like murder, stealing, just general stuff that's against the law was what most of them went down there for.  
  
Phil had gone down there, and he was an atheist. It wasn't fair. But then again, what about all of this is fair? Life after death would've been a lot better if Hell and Heaven didn't exist.  
  
A bell made him jump. He had forgotten how loud those things could be, after being stuck in a shitty office building they called Hell for eleven years. He wished he was truly eighteen again, as he appeared to be. Phil died at that age.   
  
The case file disappeared and Phil stood, deciding to go inside the building.  
  
He had a plan.  
  
Phil became visible when he entered the building, visiting the School's office first. The lady there smiled warmly at him. "Hello, what can I do for you?" She asked.  
  
Phil glanced around. "I'm a new student. Philip Lester." She hummed, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"I wasn't told there would be a new student.." But Phil was a quick thinker, and he quickly brought his hand up, focusing it above her head. His eyes fluttered closed and he thought long and hard about what he wanted, and didn't stop until the woman spoke again. Phil had made her believe he was truly a new student and she forgot all about him. That was a fun thing he could do.  
  
"I remember it now! Right, Philip Lester. We don't seem to have a schedule for you, or a locker. But that's alright!" He dropped his hand. "We'll whip one up right away! Just head on over to room 204 - that's an English classroom. Mr. Frank will welcome you into the classroom. Um.. We'll call you down once we got you a schedule. Now go on, before the class ends!"  
  
Phil left the office and looked around slowly, trying to find this English classroom he was told about. He finally found it, as it was on the second floor, and knocked on the door hesitantly. The teacher looked over.  
  
"Come in!" He called. Phil entered the room quietly, and eyed the piece of paper in his hand. That must've been attendance. He could see the words forming very slowly - Philip Lester. He smiled. "Who're you?" The teacher- Mr. Frank? - questioned, and Phil looked up at him.  
  
"Phil Lester. New kid." The teacher looked at the paper and frowned a little bit.  
  
"Right.. Sit down over there, beside Louise. She's the blond one." He waved Phil away.  
  
Phil did as told, going to sit by Louise, and barely even glanced over at her. He wasn't here for her, he was there for Dan. He didn't stop looking around the room until he saw him, and immediately grinned. There he was - his target.  
  
"Hey, new kid!" Someone hit his shoulder.  
  
"What?" He snapped, and she looked surprised.  
  
"Oh, sorry. It's just- um. I thought I should introduce myself." Phil relaxed.  
  
"You're Louise?" He questioned, and she smiled, nodding.  
  
"Yep! And you're.. Phil, you said?" Phil nodded.  
  
"Nice to meet you! Why're you eyeing up Dan?"  
  
He flushed. "I ran into him today." Why was he even talking to her? She wasn't his target.   
  
"Was he mean to you?" Louise questioned, narrowing his eyes, and Phil cocked an eyebrow.   
  
"Not really."  
  
She sighs. "He's a nice boy, if he's mean to you just tell me. I'll tell him to snap outta it - life's been tough for him since his godfather died." She shrugged, and Phil felt his stomach twist.  
  
"Right. It's alright, really. He seems sweet." Phil smiled at her, and when he looked at Dan, he found the boy looking at him. They made eye-contact, and seconds passed. Dan was the one who broke it, looking away. Phil could've sworn he saw the boy blush.  
  
"Alright, class! We're gonna start one of those big projects today." Mr. Frank clasped his hands, and Phil slowly turned his attention to him. Projects? "They'll be for about 20% of your mark, so do not slack off. You will not be able to pick your own partners.."   
  
The class groaned.  
  
"Sorry. But last time I did that, all of you chose your friends and no work got done. So instead, I've put everyone's names from the first half of the alphabet in this jar. Those from the second half will come up, choose a name and that'll be your partner."  
  
Someone raised their hand. "Is that by first names or last names?"

Someone else threw an eraser at them. 

  
"Idiot. It's last, obviously." The class snickered.  
  
"The only one who doesn't have a name that's in the first half is Mr. Lester, so you may come up and choose."

Phil stood up slowly and made his way over. He leaned over the jar and swirled his hand in it for a bit, and paused for a few seconds, his eyes closing.  
  
_Dan. Dan. Dan._  
  
One of the papers wedged it's way between his fingers and he pulled it out, and opened it up, grinning as he watched the letters switch places to form the name he wanted.  
  
"Well?" The teacher pried, and Phil glared at him for a few seconds before locking eyes with Dan.  
  
"I got Dan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR ALL THE KUDOS AND COMMENTS I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH  
> i didn't really like this chapter so hopefully the next one will be better  
> and to everyone wondering: this will most likely have over ten chapters,  
> in my notes there are fourteen but ideas for separate chapters might merge into one. you never know.  
> i changed a few things in the first chapter wow what a rebel
> 
> again, thank you for the support, i hope you're enjoying the story !!! ^


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil actually talk.
> 
> warning: mentions of alcohol, abuse ments, smoking ments

Phil had decided that class was all he needed.

So when the bell rang, he left, striding out of the school like he owned the place.

It didn't take long for someone to stop him.

"Hey! New kid! Um, damn, what was it? Dil? Wait up!"

He turned, watching the boy jog off, shoving his hands in his pockets. "It's Phil."

Dan didn't seem to care. "Do you want to come to my house after school? To work on the project." The pastel dressed boy smirked at him, twisting the lollipop he held absentmindedly, and Phil felt almost uncomfortable. Their first meeting had not been very pleasant for either of them, so why was Dan acting like that never even happened?

"Sure, I guess. The sooner we start, the better." Phil gave a careless shrug. The next thing Dan said surprised him.

"Or we can go now?"

Phil glanced at the time, "Now? There's still seven hours left of school."

"Scared to break a couple rules, Philip?" Dan began teasing, and Phil didn't notice his smile growing.

"If only you knew."

So they skipped, or Dan skipped, leading him off school grounds. They went to his place, Dan explaining that his mother worked day and came home at night. Once inside, Dan pointed to where his room was before slapping Phil on the shoulder, telling him he'd be right back. Then he skipped off, and Phil took the opportunity to look around.

The house was nice, giving off a vibe that Phil couldn't place his finger on. The hallways were lined with photos, family photos. The only photos that showed a father figure seemed to be taken years ago. Phil could barely tell which one was Dan, but the pink tutu a child wore in one of the photos, being held by the dad, seemed to give it away.

Moving on, Phil looked into the kitchen. It wasn't super tidy, as if someone cleaned it a day or two ago and then had baked immediately afterwards. The effort was there. As was a spilt bottle of pills that caught Phil's eye, he slowly advanced towards it, but froze when he heard a toilet flush and he hurried out of the room. He didn't know if Dan had any problems with him snooping, but didn't want to risk it. He was silent as possible making his way to Dan's room, sitting down on his bed at the exact moment Dan opened the door.

"Hey! You weren't snooping, were you? If so, I'd have to kill you." Dan joked, sitting next to him. Phil tried to relax.

"Me, snooping? I'd be offended if we didn't just meet!" Phil crossed his arms, chuckling.

"You did offer me cigarettes two minutes after we met." Dan pointed out, and Phil felt very attacked, colour rushing to his cheeks.

"Can we just work on the project?" 

Dan hummed and laid down on his back, then rolled onto his stomach. "Nah."

Phil couldn't help but smile at how laid back he was - and hadn't they skipped to work on the project some more? "Nah?"

"Nah." Dan confirmed, and sat back on his knees.

"Why nah? I thought you wanted to work on this. Unless you did this to get into my pants." Phil wiggled his eyebrows at Dan, who flushed.

"We skipped school, and you want to get to work right away? Yeah, as if. We have the entire day. We'll get it done, but, I wanna get to know my partner a little bit first - and not get into their pants. Is that too much to ask for?"

"Yes." Phil deadpanned.

Dan rolled his eyes and got off the bed, strolling over to his television. There was a disk on top of it, and he took it gently, and showed it to Phil, who seemed confused.

"High School Musical? What's that?" Dan's eyes widened. He looked as if Phil just insulted his newborn.

"It's only the best movie ever - next to Harry Potter, of course."

Phil crossed his arms, not really knowing what either of those were. Oh, the things you miss after being dead for four years. "Show it to me."

So Dan put it in the television, and he sat down next to Phil. Soon enough, Phil got lost in the movie, shifting positions whenever something exciting happened. By the time it ended he was lying on his stomach, and Dan was swaying back and forth, singing along to the credits.

Then the TV went black.

Dan spoke first. Well, he didn't speak. He began to sing. "We're soaring,"

Phil joined, almost immediately, "Flying,"

"There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach!" They sang at the same time, leaning in to bump shoulders.

They broke out into giggles, and for a few seconds, Phil felt alive again. He felt normal, and he felt like he was supposed to be there. He felt like Dan was his actual friend - not just a subject, not his victim.

It felt right, yet it wasn't. Phil's smile dropped.

Dan seemed to notice, and he cleared his throat. "Project?"

"Project."

Then they got to work.

The work was incredibly boring, and Dan had to explain what they were doing to Phil almost three times before he understood. They sat in silence half the time, Phil glancing at Dan's phone every few seconds and Dan at his computer to take notes.

They had almost three pages when Dan let out a heavy sigh, slamming his binder shut. "I'm done."

"Is that so?" Phil asked, propping himself up.

"Yup. I wanna do something fun." Dan fixed the flower crown on the top of his head.

"Like what? Drink?" Phil questioned, and Dan shook his head. Phil stared at him, waiting for him to say something. It took Dan a bit to realize.

"I don't drink." He finally said, looking embarrassed.

"I now understand why you want to do something fun, you're the lamest person I've ever met." Phil began to tease, and Dan threw a pillow at him.

"Shut it! My mom has a major drinking problem."

"That shouldn't stop you from living a little." Phil countered, getting off the bed.

Dan let out a heavy sigh. "I understand where you're coming from, Phil, but I don't want to be like my parents. They've made a lot of mistakes. My dad smoked and he died. My mum spends her days off getting drunk. She takes her anger out on my little brother, who doesn't deserve shit cause he didn't do shit. I want to protect him, and I want to be a good older brother, you know? So maybe if I just.. Steer clear of all of that drama, he'll grow up to be normal."

Phil stared at him. "Why are you telling me this?"

The corners of Dan's mouth twitched. "Because despite only knowing you for a few hours, it feels like a lifetime? That's so weird."

"Yeah, it is."

Phil had a lot of things to jot down that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOPS I'M A BAD AUTHOR IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS  
> anyways here it is  
> the next one will be come soon !!!!!  
> hope u enjoyed   
> (i actually liked this chapter, even though it didn't go according to plan)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oMG I ACCIDENTALLY PUBLISHED THIS AND IT WASN'T EVEN FINISHED KMS (i deleted the last one)
> 
> anyways
> 
> A Confident Start
> 
> warnings; sex ments + parent negs + suicide ment

He had to return sometime. Sure, it had been the first day but he had learnt a lot. Besides, his new soft spot for Dan wasn't good, and if all the information he found would work for Lucifer, Phil could get replaced by Gordan.

Phil gulped as he threw the papers onto Lucifer's desk, and watched him open it up quietly. His eyes scanned the notes and he looked back up at Phil.

"You need to fuck him."

Phil sputtered. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Fuck him. Make him love you and fuck him. One, homosexuality is frowned upon. I don't really care about it; you are how you are; but it could work! And sex before marriage can totally ruin your life." Lucifer grinned, resting his chin on his hands. He leaned forward, studying Phil's expressions.

Needless to say, the boy wasn't amused. "I'm a virgin," He mumbled, and Lucifer cackled.

"So? You've watched porn, haven't you? That's a sin itself." He crossed his arms. Phil was getting flustered.

"I'm not supposed to be down here! I never sinned before!" He countered, and Lucifer's expression turned cold.

"Killing somebody is a sin, Phil."

He felt sick. He hated bringing that up - everyone knew not to talk about it around him. It was all a mistake. "That doesn't count and we both know it."

Lucifer laughed. "Isn't suicide a sin as well? I think you're stuck here, pal."

"Right. Whatever you say, sir." Mouth dry, Phil snatched his folder and left the office without being dismissed. He didn't need to be. Besides, his mind was racing and staying there a second longer would've ruined him even more.

"Phil? You're back?" Gordan came over and patted him on the shoulder. "Knew you wouldn't last. That kids impossible."

The sickness was replaced with anger. Phil shrugged his shoulder off. "I'm not done with him," He snapped, and Gordan raised his eyebrow. "It was a progress report. Ever heard of it? No, because you think you're too bloody good for them! I was going to see if you wanted to take it over since I got more information out of him, but seeing as you're a stuck up prick who thinks I can't do anything, I'll have to prove you wrong! I'm going to change him and you can't stop me!"

Silence.

And then Phil was gone, teleporting back to his room. But this didn't help at all, he needed out. He wanted fresh air. Fresh air! The outside world.

Phil arrived at Dan's house in a matter of seconds.

He pretended to be out of breath, and knocked quickly. A tall woman with warm brown eyes and a soft smile greeted him. "Hello? Are you a Boy Scout?" Phil almost choked.

"No. I'm Dan's friend." He replied. She was probably confused, since it was almost eleven at night and he just randomly arrived. He wouldn't be surprised if she sent him away. But then a familiar boy peeked around her, and grinned.

"Phil! Come in. Sorry, mum, English partner." Dan explained, navigating Phil around the slender woman, who was dressed up in formal attire. She nodded curtly. "Don't stay up too late. School tomorrow."

Dan sighed. "We won't, mum. Come on, Phil." He led Phil to his room, which Phil had oddly missed. The pale boy sat on Dan's bed and looked at his hands, studying them as if they were the most interesting thing in the world before speaking up.

"I'm sorry."

Dan closed his door and turned to him. "For what? Visiting two times in a day? How clingy, Phil." He teased, and sat next to him. 

Phil chewed on the inside of his cheek. "No, for visiting the second time so late at night!" He realized he should have a reason. "My parents were fighting."

Dan's expression fell. "I'm sorry, Phil." He wrapped an arm around him. "And you don't have anywhere else to go, do you?"

Was this sympathy? Phil was almost disgusted at how good it felt to receive. He shook his head. "No family in town." He confirmed.

"Do you want to spend the night?"

"Huh?" Phil hadn't heard the term in a long time.

"Like, you know, a sleep over. I can get a sleeping bag and a mattress and you can sleep on the floor, or in my bed if you want." Dan was beaming at him. Phil's cold, dead heart seemed to flutter at the pastel boy's hopeful expression.

"I'd love to have a sleepover with you, Dan." Dan immediately cheered, only to be shushed by his mother downstairs. He cringed. 

"Brothers asleep," He explained and stood up, going to put in a video game. "Mario Kart?" He held up the disk. Phil nodded and he slid it in. "Perfect. I would've thrown it at you if you said no."

"Aggressive." Phil commented, earning a laugh from Dan. Was the pastel dressed boy blushing? Phil squinted.

"You know it." He waved his hips before going to sit down, giving Phil a controller. "I'm gonna destroy you. I'm the Mario Kart champion."

Phil hadn't played in a long time. "Can you.. Show me how to play?" Dan's eyes widened.

"Seriously?"

"It's been a really long time."

Dan began to laugh, and ignored being shushed. "Yeah, of course, you spoon! So you press this button to start.." 

Phil knew how to play. It was locked in his brain. But this was an excuse for Dan to take his hand and he wasn't going to let it pass. It might be the last sincere moment they have, with Lucifer wanting Phil to fuck Dan. He couldn't really imagine it - one, he was a virgin. Two, Dan was an innocent pastel boy who would probably throat punch Phil for doing the wrong thing. He didn't want to risk their friendship.

..Friendship?

Phil didn't know he had considered it that, after all, it had been one day. But Dan said himself he felt as if he had known Phil for forever, and Phil couldn't help but feel attached to him. That was weird. Phil isn't supposed to get attached! Dan wasn't going to be an innocent pastel boy for long - Phil was going to change him into a sinning machine. He had to, after yelling at Gordan.

How odd of him, snapping at someone. Gordan knew how to grind his gears, which was uncommon. Phil was usually patient with people, not moving too fast or too slow. Unless they were close to him - in that case, he'd give them a push and tell them to get on with it.

Dan snapped him out of it. "Do you understand?" Phil merely nodded, and Dan grinned. "Awesome! Prepare to get your ass kicked, Philip." 

Palms sweaty for the first time in years, Phil clutched his controller and smiled at Dan.

Dan won all of the games.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I hope you enjoyed???  
> This wasn't gonna turn out like this but....i lost my notes for the chapters riP  
> don't worry tho it'll be k  
> HALF OF THIS WAS WRITTEN AT 11PM DONT JUDGE ME  
> anyways ty for reading  
> *Dan voice*  
> click subscribe if u wanna get one chapter a week


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> planning is difficult and phil can't handle lots of stress
> 
> tw; suicide talk, suicide ments, death ments, anxiety attacks
> 
> i didn't go too into depth with the attack tho !!
> 
> no dan in this chapter srry you'll get all your dan needs next time

It seemed that Lucifer wasn't going to give up his plan on making them fuck. Which, Phil was upset about, asking if he could do it some other way. Lucifer refused and then claimed it was a good idea, since Phil died a virgin. He merely groaned after that and left his office, for about the fifth time that day.

Phil was really fed up. He was done with the looks Gordan cast him whenever he past, and he was sick of PJ's motivational speeches. He wanted to do this his way, not Lucifer's way! Phil wasn't some sex-craving animal. "So why do I feel like it?!"

PJ looked at him sympathetically. "You're being forced into doing something super serious that you don't want to do. Losing your virginity is a big deal, even for a demon! But hey, think about it this way. If you really do like Dan, and you succeed, he'll end up here and you two can live happily ever after!"

The blue-eyed demon cringed. "I've told you, PJ, I don't like him." Okay, he might've talked about Dan in an affectionate tone, but that didn't mean anything! He didn't like him - Lucifer, no. It'd be complicated and Phil heard about things that happen to demons who fall in love with live humans. Lucifer cuts off their wings and sends them into the real world - permanently. Half of them die before they can get help.

Or, they'd be lucky. Instead of cutting off their wings, they would kill their romantic interest. Most people considered this worse, since most of them went to heaven, but Phil thought it was better than getting banished from Hell. Why weren't they allowed to love humans, anyways? They were once humans, roaming the Earth with no idea about what would happen after death, chasing goals aimlessly. Phil almost pitied the living; they didn't know how good they got until it's taken from them. Phil loved to be put on cases because they made him feel alive again. His first case took a while and the entire time he was so giddy. He could almost hear his heart beat - he hadn't heard a heart beat in years! He felt free, so free. He could do whatever he pleased with his victim. This time, Lucifer was taking control, and Phil didn't like that at all.

"Alright, alright. No need to snap, mate." PJ put up his hands. "But I'm just saying.. You have a lot of chemistry with this kid! Which means he's the perfect boy to give your virginity to. And it's not like he'll be a stranger forever, he'll end up in here sooner or later." Phil knew what PJ was trying to say, but he didn't want to listen.

"I'm leaving." Phil got up and took his file. PJ sighed, watching him with a sympathetic expression. Phil was sick of that as well.

He went back to his dorm, throwing his file down on the table. Fuck Dan? Yeah, fuck Dan. He ran his hands through his hair and let out an exasperated sigh. This would make him feel dirty, dirtier than ever before. But it had to be done, Lucifer demanded it.

So Phil began writing. Dan is a pastel boy who likes to appear innocent and then blow people away with his dirty mind, so who would be the perfect match for him? A punk boy who appears tough but is soft on the inside?

That seemed too cliche. But it was an idea, and Phil could pull it off.

He went to look at himself in a mirror, and his appearance began to change. He could feel his clothes being swapped and things poking into his skin, burning for a few seconds but it soon vanished. He opened his eyes to see himself, dressed in a leather jacket, a black shirt and ripped up skinny jeans, studded boots, with snakebites, a tongue piercing and spiked eyebrow piercings.

The dark colours made his eyes stand out.

Beginning to blush because of how ridiculous he felt, he closed his eyes again and went back to normal. So that was a possibility - Punk Phil. But what else was there? Just Phil in general?

But Phil was boring. No one would ever crush on him! He had skin too pale for his own good, and blue eyes that stood out but were anything but nice. Nothing about his features seemed to compliment his nose, which was bigger than England. His dyed black hair with the MySpace fringe made him cringe, and he had barely any fashion sense. But if you did find him attractive, his personality would be a deal breaker.

Phil is stubborn, and he's super competitive. If he looses something he demands all or nothing, just to make himself feel better. He's too innocent, and his laugh was one of the worst sounds he's ever heard.

In his own opinion, Phil Lester was unlovable.

He had to change who he was and who he looked like for Dan to ever consider him anything but a friend - or an acquaintance, honestly. Phil wouldn't want to be associated with himself either.

Was he being too harsh on himself? Yes, Phil was. But he didn't know this, exiting his room. He thought this was normal, and his mind had been like this for years. He'd told PJ about it before, only to be told he shouldn't change, and Phil would lash out every time and leave.

_Bad friend. Bad friend. Bad demon._

_Failure._

"Shut up!" To no one in particular. Oh, it was happening again. Phil thought his anxiety would be gone when he died. It was one thing he was happy about. But unfortunately, it's not like that.

When you die, if you go to Hell you don't change much. But any mental disorders you have get significantly worse; God's way of saying fuck you.

Or maybe it was Lucifer's.

Phil hadn't even noticed the fact he had crumpled onto the floor, holding his head in his hands, rocking on his knees. He didn't know that he was crying; sobbing; telling the voices to shut up, shut up, because he was done, he was done.

They didn't even listen. They just kept telling him about how horrible he was, about how he would never ever find love, not even in hell, not on earth. He died before he got the chance to find someone to spend the rest of his life with, and it was all his fault.

If Phil hadn't grabbed the knife. If Phil just ran when he was told, he would be fine. He would be okay. He would be at home, turned up with some coffee with an anime playing in the background. He'd continue his classes and pretend he never met hazel-eyed boy named Chris Kendall. Everything would be okay again.

He realized what was happening when a hand grabbed his shoulder and he screamed, throwing his fist in self-defense. PJ, having dealt with this, grabbed his arm and jerked him forward, into his arms.

So now Phil wasn't alone as he cried, his best friend holding him, whispering comforting things to him in attempt to calm him down. Phil didn't hear him, unfortunately, his ears were ringing and all his mind could register was that he wasn't alone.

Demons can die. But they can only die at the hands of another demon. Themselves, Lucifer, a friend. The second time you die is strike two. You're out. You're gone. No one really knows what happens - some say you're just stuck in darkness forever. Other's say you start a new life.

Phil had tried to get his second strike. PJ stopped him.

Every single time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh i'm sorry this wasn't going to turn out like this......  
> or was it  
> dun dun dun  
> anyways like i always say; kudos, comments and bookmarks r hella appreciated  
> tell me what you'd like to see! ask questions!  
> i try to reply to everyone unless it's been like 5 weeks ;;  
> anyways!!! next chap soon!!!!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plan punk ass phil put into action  
> mostly character development and cheeky bants
> 
> tw; self-esteem stuff igggg nothing bad

The next day, Phil knew that he had to get to work. So he arrived at school with his head held high, only to realize it was a Saturday. He was informed by the brown haired boy named Dan Howell, grinning at Phil because he was so goddamn stupid. "Why are you here?"

"I-I thought it was Friday," Phil explained, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. He felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment and his fingers got all tingly. He wasn't too sure why.

"Seriously? Oh my God. What are you even wearing? You look punk as shit." Phil pretended not to notice the way Dan checked him out. "I mean, it's not bad, it's just.. Not like you." He crossed his arms, beginning to circle Phil slowly. Phil gulped.

"I thought it'd be a good look?" He shrugged, and Dan laughed. "I mean, it is. It just doesn't fit your personality. Those are fake, right?" He poked one of his piercings and Phil had to force himself to stay still.

"Yeah."

"Good. Come home with me." Dan's hand found his way into Phil's and before Phil knew what was happening he was being tugged away by Dan. The pastel boy led him to his house, and they sat in Dan's room, on his bed. Phil found it much more comforting than his apartment back in Hell.

"You never told me what you were doing at the school." Dan raised his eyebrows, and leaned back, watching Phil take out the fake piercings and pull off his sleeve tattoos.

"I was passing by and I saw someone so I walked over to see who it was. Turns out it was you." Phil silently swore at his cheeks for heating up again as he shoved his accessories in his pocket.

"I'm dumb." He muttered, and Dan laughed. Phil lit up hearing it, his loud laugh that seemed to echo, that was always breathy at the end. In some ways his laugh reminded him of a hyena's laugh, but in the best way possible. It was adorable and Phil wanted to hear it forever. Phil wanted to make Dan laugh every day.

"I have a question." Dan leaned forward, and Phil watched him carefully. He almost expected Dan to know something was up with him - after all, if you looked closely, it was obvious something wasn't right with him. He was pale, almost sickly pale, and his blue eyes had been drained of life. He had cracked lips he swiped his tongue over every few minutes, desperately trying to feel something he knew he wouldn't. He had no heartbeat, and would actually forget to breathe at times. Or was Dan oblivious? "Do you have self esteem issues?" Obviously.

"Why?" Phil raised his eyebrows, and Dan's response shocked him.

"Because I don't think you should be changing the way you look. I understand the entire 'new school, new look and personality' thing, and I've known you for a day, but from what I see punk is not your thing. If anything you have pastel personality and I have a punk one. Which is funny, the entire 'dress the opposite way you act to surprise people', but it wouldn't work with you, I guess. I think you look fine the way you are." Dan smiled at him. "I'm either right or wrong. You either did it because of that or you did it because why not, or you thought you had to because i'm pastel and pastel and punks work together."

"I.. I don't know." Phil knew. He just didn't have the heart to say. Dan sensed this, watching him drop his shoulders, staring at his hands.

"That's alright." Dan brushed his shoulder. "And to respond to what you said earlier, you're not dumb." The words escaping Dan's lips snapped him out of his mind palace, and the corner's of Phil's mouth twitched. "You just don't own a calendar or something. Oh well. Let's do something else, yeah? You're obviously not comforting talking about your self esteem issues." He shrugged. "Wanna play video games?"

"We played video games last time we were together," Phil got up and stretched. Dan watched.

"I know, and it was fun." Dan pouted, shifting to lay on his stomach. His legs were in the air and he waved them around, unable to sit still. Phil watched him.

"Oh yeah, for you. You kept beating me!" Phil rolled his eyes, "But I guess you are pretty cute when you're happy and victorious." Dan began to blush. Phil almost hit himself for saying it, but he knew that casual flirting was the only way this could work.

"Shush up!" Phil ended up getting hit in the face with a pillow. He sat on the floor, laughing and clutching his face, yelling about how mean Dan was. Then someone knocked on the door.

"Daniel? Who do you have over?" Dan and Phil made eye contact, and Dan shrugged before replying.

"My friend. Leave us alone, mum." There was footsteps and then silence. She was gone.

"Am I ever going to properly meet her? The one time we walked was when I arrived at your house in the middle of the night." Phil asked, and Dan shrugged once more.

"You probably will. But now isn't the time." Phil nodded, deciding not to argue. It wasn't like he wanted to meet Dan's mom.. Why would he? Phil didn't even like him! Not romantically, at least. Even if Dan's laugh made him the happiest he's ever been and every time he smiled Phil actually felt alive, like he wasn't a demon but an actual human. It wasn't strange that Dan made him feel things that only Chris ever made him feel, and a hundred times stronger. Even though Phil had the slightest crush on Chris while he was alive.. No, he didn't like Dan.

He couldn't like Dan. It was impossible.

 _But possible_ , a voice whispered to Phil and now he felt sick because he knows it's Lucifer. _I don't like him and I'm going to convert him._ Nobody replied. Phil sighed in relief, and then noticed Dan was looking at him strange. He then realized he never replied to him and began blushing. "I'm sorry! I zoned out." Dan grinned.

"No problem. it happens." Why did he have to be so damn accepting? Phil pushed his fringe back, smiling. 

"How about those video games?"

Dan set it up rather quickly, throwing in Halo because last time they played Mario Kart Dan totally obliterated Phil and it wouldn't be fair to play it again. Phil hummed quietly as he customized his Spartan with the help of Dan, not really sure how to play Halo after so long. Once finishing customization they got into the game and Phil was killed almost immediately by Dan, and after a few rounds they had the same score and the next person to get killed would be the loser. "Dan, I swear to God-" Three, two, one.

"NO!" Phil cried out when his spartan blew up, flying across the map. Angry, he tackled Dan, and ended up lying on top of him on Dan's bed. 

"Hey there," Dan whispered, and Phil forced himself not to stare at Dan's lips, meeting his eyes.

"Hey," He whispered back, and they stared at each other for a few seconds. The urge to kiss Dan was strong. Why? Phil didn't even like him, or he kept telling himself that in hopes he'd soon believe himself. But the look Dan was giving him would've made any person blush, right? It seemed full of affection and awe. Dan couldn't be affectionate over Phil, though. Phil was nothing. Phil was an unlovable demon. So he tried to ignore it, and Phil fought the urge to connect his lips with Dan's, sitting up. He ran his fingers through his hair, blushing crazily. He didn't even notice Dan doing the same.

"New game?"

"New game."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW IT'S BEEN LIKE FIVE YEARS PLS I'M SORRY :(:(:(:(  
> i'm trying my best  
> i disappeared because..i'm passing english with 56% now leave me alone  
> ok anyways  
> finger guns  
> look out for the next chap


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: I listened to Eye Of The Tiger and Hey Mama and this is what happened. enjoi  
> if nathan is reading this then HI 
> 
> TW's: alcohol, partying, teenage stuff  
> little bit of making out  
> you know.....implied smutty stuff  
> it gets super sexual half-way through the chapter soRRY

Sundays were always crappy. Even if you didn't go to school or work, they were just bad days. They were to Phil, at least. If you always have good Sundays - hurray! Phil's happy for you. But his Sunday's were always crap. Always. Maybe he could change that? Phil sighed, pushing his left hand through his hair as he X'ed out Saturday, showing that little or no progress was made and Dan was still a good atheist boy. "Today is the day," Phil told himself, determination in his voice, "You'll get progress today. Today.. You will successfully fuck Dan Howell."

Somebody burst out laughing behind him, and Phil's face turned completely red. He turned around to see PJ. "Good speech, buddy! Oh my God." He clutched his stomach with his left hand and wiped a tear with the right. "Today is the day," He impersonated Phil, and it wasn't even good! "You will get progress today. Today you will fuck Dan Howell! You're hilarious." PJ threw his head back and Phil watched as he let it out, crossing his arms. Once PJ calmed down, Phil spoke.

"Stop making fun of my pain." Of course this didn't help the situation and PJ just burst out laughing again, repeating Phil's words over and over. Phil was worried that he was going to hurt himself in his laughing fit.

"Stop making fun of my _pain_! Oh my God," PJ shook his head repeatedly, and covered his face for a few seconds. He then took an unnecessary deep breath. "This is why I love you, Phil." He hit him on the shoulder and Phil instinctively said ow, despite not feeling anything.

"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't make fun of my pain." Phil huffed, pushing past PJ. He grabbed his case file and opened it up, going over his notes from the day before, talking about how Dan preferred people staying true to their personality than changing themselves for somebody, and that he was supportive. PJ looked over his shoulder.

"Are those notes necessary?" Phil shoved him away, but PJ was grinning, a devilish twinkle in his green eyes. "'He's so caring and sweet! So _supportive_!'" PJ flaunted, pretending to be Phil. He snapped his fingers and a photo of Dan appeared, which he took and swooned over. "Oh Dan, marry me now! I'll be your handsome demon husband!" He started making kissing noises. Phil was about to set on fire, he was so red.

"Stop!" He snatched the photo from PJ and ripped it apart. PJ held up his hands in surrender.

"Sorry, dude. It's just how you sound." How he sounds? Phil doesn't sound like that at all! PJ made his voice all high-pitched and made it sound like Phil was in love with Dan. Which he most certainly was not.

"I have to go. Dan and I decided to hang out today, at ten. It's almost ten." Phil looked at the time and closed his case file, happy he had a reason to escape PJ's teasing. PJ raised his eyebrows at him. Phil knew what he was thinking - he was thinking about how Phil must like him in that way, how no other demon would choose this approach to Dan. They definitely wouldn't hang around him that much.

"Have fun," PJ chirped and kissed his cheek in a friendly manner before leaving, Phil waving goodbye to him before changing into a new shirt and leaving. Not seeing a car in Dan's driveway, Phil pushed Dan's door open and yelled hello out into the house. He got a response within seconds.

"Phil!" Dan flew down the hallway and almost tackled Phil, he was so excited to see his best friend. "You're here! I have exciting news." The boy was wearing a white lace sweater and a pastel blue skirt that ended right above his knees, and a blue flower crown. Phil tried his best not to stare at the flashy appearance. Dan didn't even wait for Phil to reply to move on. "We were invited to a party! Look!" Dan showed him the text, and the first thing Phil wanted to say was that 'but there's school tomorrow'. He held it back and read the text, which was from Louise.

_'party at mine !! :)_  
_you know where :p_  
_630pm to when we cant dance no more!!!!!_  
_bring the new kid ;)'_

"Why does she want me there?" Phil questioned, looking back up at Dan, who was still excited. He threw his phone to the side, which was worrying, because it made a really loud noise when it collided with a wall. "Is your phone ok-" Dan cut him off.

"Because you're amazing, Phil!" Dan threw his arms around him, and Phil hugged him back. He had never seen Dan this excited before; was being invited to parties rare for him? He didn't see how, Dan was an attractive pastel kid who probably had tons of other friends despite Phil. For whatever reason, the aura Dan was giving off seemed flirty. The thought made Phil's palms sweaty, but Dan pulled away from the hug before he noticed anything. "Seriously! Come on, we have to get you ready. I don't think that's the right dress for a party, but.." Dan tapped his chin. "I think I have clothes that can make it work. Come on!" Dan grabbed his hand and rushed down the hall, bringing Phil to his room. He then threw him on the bed. "Okay! Clothes. Clothes, clothes.." He began digging through his closet and pulled out a black dotted, blue collar shirt. "I've never worn this," He admitted, throwing it towards Phil, "Too dark. That shade of blue does not work on me." Phil picked up the shirt and admired it. "I guess.. Those jeans would be okay with it. Okay, go dress!" Dan pulled him off the bed and pushed him out into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Phil did as told, changing into the shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror afterwards, then went back to Dan's room.

"I feel ridiculous." He complained, and Dan clapped upon seeing him, seeming giddy.

"You look gorgeous! Holy fuck," Dan put his hand over his heart and closed his eyes for a few seconds, "A true piece of art." Phil felt his cheeks turn red and he crossed his arms, staring at Dan, who sat on his pastel pink bed.

"Are you okay?" Dan raised his eyebrows as if the question was odd.

"Of course! Come on, silly." Dan patted next to him and Phil sat, and Dan leaned towards him. "You just look _really_ great in that shirt.." That's when Phil smelt it. The alcohol. He opened his mouth to reply, but Dan had basically tackled him, pinning him down onto the bed.

"Dan!" Phil almost shrieked. "I thought you didn't drink," Dan faltered.

"I don't. But I just got really sad, and I found a drink on the counter.." Dan moved his hand under Phil's shirt. Phil swatted his hand away and attempted to sit up, but Dan held him down. "I don't know what it was? Some alcoholic beverage. Anyways, I downed it, it was really good. Does my breath smell like it? Can you tell what it is?" He blew onto Phil's face.

"Red wine," Phil replied, squirming uncomfortably. "Please get off, Dan. You're drunk and this isn't right." Dan looked confused.

"But I thought you wanted me. You flirted with me yesterday. You tried to impress me by changing yourself. Which was kinda hot, by the way. I've never seen a guy so intent on impressing me before!" Dan giggled, and leaned over, pressing their noses together.

"Oh, you know me. Always wanting to impress you." Phil sighed, and finally got his hands out of Dan's grip, putting them on Dan's hips. The pastel boy seemed happy with this and he smiled, purring quietly. But he didn't get what he wanted, instead getting moved off Phil. His smile vanished and the purring stopped. "What'd you do that for? I was having fun."

Phil stood up. "Take a nap. There's still a few hours till the party." He glanced at the time. It was only eleven.

Dan pouted. "Okay. I'm kinda tired anyways." He yawned. "Goodnight, Philly." He laid down on the bed and curled up, his eyes fluttering shut.

"Not goodnight. Just see you later," Phil patted his head and waited until Dan was actually sleep to do anything. He set up video games, knowing sober Dan wouldn't care, and began playing Halo. A few hours later, Dan stirred, and Phil shut off the Xbox without saving anything. He looked over at him. "You awake, Dan?" Dan nodded and sat up, rubbing his eyes. It was around two in the afternoon.

"'D'You remember what happened?" Phil questioned, and Dan seemed to hesitate before answering, which was a no. He shook his head. Phil sighed, and pushed his hair back. Should he tell him? It might upset him, and Dan probably doesn't want to know.

"It doesn't matter then. Come on, are you hungry? We could go grab a bite to eat before going out to the party," Phil stood and stretched. Dan seemed to brighten, and nodded excitedly. "Okay! Let's just go to some fast food place." Dan requested McDonald's, so Phil complied, taking him there. He technically didn't have any money so he just grabbed some out of thin air, and was pretty sure he gave the cashier more cash than necessary, but didn't really care. He gave Dan his fries and they went and sat down. Phil watched as Dan munched on them, looking quite innocent until he for some reason shoved an entire long french fry down his throat, and Phil literally choked on his soft drink, a piece of ice lodged in his throat.

After McDonald's, they ran around town for a little bit. Okay, they didn't run. That's ridiculous. They walked until the clock hit six pm and they walked to Louise's. It seemed the party already started, loud music coming from the house. Some kids were hanging outside with the classic red cups and making out, and Phil took his last breath of fresh air before being pulled into the house by Dan. The music was beginning to hurt his ears, playing some catchy tune from 2008 that made all the kids grind on each other. Dan brought him to the food and liquor table. "Have something," He offered, and Phil raised his eyebrows. Dan was pouring himself a drink. "It's punch," He then informed Phil, grinning. "The only non-alcoholic thing here." Phil decided to just have a brownie.

He was eventually pulled onto the dance floor by Dan, who swayed his hips in a suggestive manner, Toxic by Britney Spears playing in the background. Phil swore that everything went blurry except for Dan, his focus purely on him and how he swayed so gracefully, his skirt moving with him but occasionally showing some of his upper thigh. Phil gulped, and Dan dared to throw his arms around Phil's neck loosely, grinning at him. Phil dared to reply by putting his hands on Dan's hips, and began to move with him, following him side-to-side. The way Dan moved completely captured him, as if Dan had him wrapped around his finger. Despite not drinking any alcohol, Phil felt drunk. He felt like he was flying.

Dan leaned forward. Phil almost leaned back in, until there was a hand on his shoulder and he was being whisked away. He heard Dan yell in disapproval, wanting him to come back, but Phil had already lost him in the sea of people. Then he heard a familiar voice. "You came!" Louise shouted over the music, and Phil's face flushed. "With Dan too! Doesn't he look wonderful? Probably trying to impress you!" Louise beamed at him.

"We were kinda in the middle of something," Louise's eyes widened.

"Oh, dear! I'm so sorry. I just wanted to introduce you to my friend, he saw you on Monday and thought you were cute." Louise shoved Phil in front of a shorter boy with a blonde quiff and only slightly over-sized glasses, with a charming smile.

"Why hello there! I'm Tyler, the gayest gay you'll ever meet." Tyler held his hand out and Phil took it without hesitation. "And I hear you're Phil. So sorry for whisking you away from your friend, I just really wanted to meet you.." Tyler grinned up at him. "You're so tall and handsome! Oh my," He swooned, "Sorry to be a bother, but my ex boyfriend is here. That's mainly why I wanted.. You. Care for a kiss? While he's looking. Just for that." Phil didn't know why he agreed, but soon Tyler's lips were on his and then he ran off giggling, yelling thanks.

Then there was a hand on his shoulder, and Phil turned to see Dan. "What the hell was that?" Dan looked like he was pissed. Phil opened his mouth to explain but Dan stopped him before he could, grabbing his jaw. " _I'm_ the only one you're allowed to kiss." Phil didn't know how to feel about this, but before he could react, Dan's lips were on his and fuck, Phil basically melted into him, allowing Dan to pull him closer. Phil could taste the alcohol on his breath and it clicked - spiked punch. Of course. "Come on." Dan pulled away and grabbed his hand. Phil blinked in surprise.

"Where are we going?"

"To my house." Dan looked back at him. "To show you who you belong to."

Oh God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout-out for everybody for reading this  
> shout out to my bestie nathan find her on quotev (.dansthighs)  
> find ME on quotev............actually please don't  
> OKAY ANYWAYS  
> next chapter?? who knows when lol bye THANK YOU FOR READING ! ILY <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fun times.
> 
> hi nathan.

It went by so fast. Phil was being literally dragged down a street by Dan, who seemed quite eager to get to his place. "But- Dan- Alcohol- Parents!" Phil had managed to get out, and Dan looked back at him with a smile. He didn't answer. He had only one cup of punch, so he couldn't have been that drunk, right? Was this wrong? Phil felt sick, but it all disappeared when he got into Dan's house because he was up against the wall within seconds and the only thing on his mind was Dan is really, really good with his lips.

Dan's hands slithered up his sides and found their way under his shirt. Phil shivered at the contact, Dan's hands were cold. Phil felt Dan's tongue slide over his bottom lip and allowed his mouth to open, fearing if he didn't Dan would've forced his tongue in anyways. Phil's hands wandered to Dan's hips and Dan smirked against his lips before continuing to explore the new territory. Phil moaned a little; this was all new to him.

"Come on," Dan pulled away from the kiss and grabbed Phil's hand, and tugged him to his room. As soon as the door had closed, Dan tackled Phil onto the bed and straddled him. "You're so fucking hot, you know that? Literally, everybody was eyeing you up on the first day, I don't see how you didn't notice. You're so fucking oblivious, aren't you Phil? You didn't even notice that I like you." Dan rolled his hips, creating friction between him and Phil. Dan's name tumbled out of Phil's mouth, along with whorish moans Phil didn't even know he could produce. Dan continued, "A pastel boy is dominating you, Phil. I've never even had sex and you melt into my touch. Would you like to see what else I can do with my mouth? I want to see what else I can make come out of that pretty mouth of yours." 

"Dan," Phil groaned, his eyes closing. Dan didn't allow this, grabbing his jaw. Phil's eyes opened. 

"Look at me. Look at my eyes. I want you to watch me as I fuck myself on you. Do you want that, Phil? Do you want to see your slutty best friend fuck himself on you?" Phil was literally sweating. Yes, yes, he wanted to yell, but now when he opened his mouth nothing came out. Dan made him speechless. He had never really seen Dan be a dominant type - okay, maybe. His pastel attire made him seem like a complete bottom but his attitude made him seem like a top. He was the type of boy that took nobodies shit and refused to back down. He'd be a good dom, Phil decided, as Dan continued. "Of course you do. Fuck, Phil, you're so attractive. I love the way you're looking at me. Your eyes are all blown with lust and your lips are puffy; I wish I could have a photo of that. That's the thing I want to see before I die, you look so perfect. You're so good, Phil. So good - too good, all for me." He began tugging at Phil's shirt. Phil attempted to pull it off but fumbled, and Dan laughed at him and helped. "Look at you. You're a fucking mess, you can't even take off your own shirt. That's what I've done to you. Honestly, I bet you've never even touched yourself. You seem too innocent for it anyways." Phil shook his head. He felt exposed like this. He felt as if Dan could read his mind, he was analyzing him constantly.

Dan's hands slid down his chest, and he eventually took one of Phil's nipples with his finger and tweaked it slightly. Phil couldn't hold back a moan, which seemed to urge Dan on. He let go of Phil's nipple and instead took it into his mouth, the hand which was just holding it moving down to Phil's pants. He hooked his fingers into it and mouthed Phil's nipple, listening to the moans the boy was emitting. Soon growing bored, he began to kiss down his stomach. 

"You're so," Kiss, "Hot," Kiss, "Fuck, Phil." Dan began to fumble with the buttons on his jeans, and Phil watched with wide eyes as he did so. He eventually got them undone and pulled off. There was a single layer of clothing trapping Phil now, but Dan decided this was okay, beginning to palm Phil lazily. Phil whined and bucked his hips. He felt like he was in heaven, despite barely anything being done.

"Dan, wait," Dan did as told and stopped, looking up at Phil in what seemed to be confusion. "A-Are you sober?"

"Not completely," Dan admitted and began to move his hand again. Phil let out a low groan and his eyes fluttered shut. "I'm not exactly drunk. I know what I'm doing if that's what you're asking. I know what I want, and what I want is you." Dan pressed his forehead against Phil's for a millisecond, "I want to have sex with you."

Phil opened his mouth to reply, and Dan silenced him with a kiss.

So, that happened. To sum it up, Dan rode Phil and they both came with angelic moans and celebrated until Dan slid off of Phil and began to cuddle him. Phil pulled a blanket over them both halfheartedly, so now there they were. Dan and Phil were tangled up on Dan's bed, a blanket pulled over them lazily, and Phil couldn't feel the entire lower half of his body and felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. He was tired and wanted to sleep for a thousand years, but also wanted to treasure the moment. Dan's head rested on his chest and Phil was playing with his hair, both of their breathing beginning to steady. That's when Dan spoke.

"Phil, what's wrong?" He lifted his head.

"Nothing," Phil raised an eyebrow. 

Dan now looked alarmed. He stared at Phil with wide eyes, as if he had just seen a ghost. The colour had drained from his face and his lips parted slightly. "Phil?"

Now confused, Phil sat up. "What, Dan?"

"You don't have a heartbeat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut? bitch you thought


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> story time.

Sometimes, Phil thought he could change what happened that night. It was ironic, though, because this was all meant to happen. Phil was meant to die and meet Phil, for how could they have met any other way? Phil was trembling ever so slightly as he placed his cold hand over where his heart would be, looking back at Dan with wide eyes. The boy was rambling, something about getting him to the hospital. If Dan really thought he didn't have a pulse, did he think a hospital would help? Phil almost laughed, because Dan had taken leave of his senses.

"Dan," He whispered, and the boy fell silent to look at him with curiosity, "I know I have no pulse, okay? Just let me explain-" But Dan was quick to cut him off, and he jumped off the bed, grabbing a pair of scissors from his desk. He held them defensively at Phil.

"Get away from me, you demon!" He screamed, and Phil flinched, moving back. He was just in shock, Phil told himself, he doesn't really think you're a demon. But he will after you tell him.

Tell him, Phil.

"It was the 3rd of May, I think. It's kind of hazy, it's been a few years.

"I met this boy. His name was Chris. And he was really nice! He had the prettiest eyes, they were kinda hazel-y, and he made me laugh a lot. His hair was kind of anime like, it fell over his eyes and it was only a slight fringe. Sometimes it'd just fall across his face and he wouldn't do anything about it, so I didn't really know what his actual hairstyle was," Phil took a deep breath and wiped away the tears forming,

"Chris Kendall was a ray of sun, okay? He could make me laugh without even trying, and I wish I got to spend more time with him, before... Right! That's what we were doing. On the 3rd of May, we were hanging out at this club. I don't like clubs at all, but I would do anything for him, honestly. Okay! So, this club wasn't my favourite place in the world. The music was too loud and it was filled with horny teenagers grinding on each other," Dan snickered. That seemed all too familiar. "But Chris seemed to be enjoying himself. After a few drinks I was feeling kind of lightheaded so I wanted to leave, so Chris and I said goodbye to the people we had met there and began walking back to his place. I was going to spend the night and, I think we were going to kiss, I don't really know, to be honest. The night was unpredictable.

"But we were halfway there when everything went wrong. There was this loud bang, and I was really scared, so Chris offered to check it out. Of course, I didn't want him to go! That's dangerous and stupid, but he insisted so then my paranoia wouldn't act up. I was waiting there for four minutes and then he returned, claiming it was nothing. This is when it happened.

"I saw it coming, I really did. I watched the guy run at his back and in a panic I pushed Chris out of the way and something took over, so I guess I just kicked the guy in the crotch and he fell on the ground. His knife had been dropped so that's when I snatched it up and I turned around to see... To see this guy, a different guy, standing there with a gun.

"I didn't know what to do. I had a knife and Chris was behind the guy and he kept telling me to put it down and when I didn't he got scared I'd get shot so he jumped at the guy and... The guy tried to shoot him. I panicked, and I was just standing there with no idea what I should do. Then all of a sudden the guy from before, who I kicked down, jumped onto my back. I was freaking out, thrashing, trying to get him off, until we both fell over. I landed on top of him.

"I felt it. I felt the blood begin to soak through my shirt and I felt it trickle down my arm and I thought it was mine until I sat up and saw that the knife I had been holding had plunged deep into the guy's neck,"

That's when Phil began to cry, "I-I killed him! I actually killed him, h-his blood was on my hands!"

Dan stared at him. He had put his scissors down now, frowning ever so slightly, "You didn't mean to."

Phil nodded. "I-I didn't mean to. I would never try to purposely hurt or kill somebody! T-That's just mean, and i-it's a sin," He took a breath, and continued.

"I didn't know what to do, but before I could decide I heard a gunshot and I turned around to see, to see Chris, and he was shot, possibly dead, and the guy who had just shot them was staring down at him. So I... I pulled the knife out of the guy's neck and when the guy turned to shoot me, I slit my throat because I refused to die at the hands of a murderer."

"But you did."

"But I did," Phil's head dropped, and the room was silent for minutes before Dan spoke again.

"Why're you here, then?"

And here came what would really make Dan hate Phil. "I'm supposed to make you sin so when you die you'll come to Hell with me." It was like ripping a band-aid off. Just get it over with, Phil.

"I don't-" Dan didn't know. Dan didn't understand. He was obviously confused and conflicted, and Phil felt bad for him. Dan was a sweet boy who didn't deserve any of this. If only Phil had just pulled Chris away from that noise when he had the chance. "-I don't know why you'd make that up, Phil." Dan finished, and Phil's heart dropped. This would've been easier if Dan believed him. "It sounds so believable, though, and.. I don't know. Get out, I need to think." Phil began collecting his things. "And I really did like you, you know. So if this... If this turns out to be true? You'll know how to get to me." 

Phil left with watery eyes and trembling hands.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's been 84 years. i hope you enjoy.

The first thing Phil noticed, after entering his small apartment in Hell, was the opened folder with all of his notes on Dan just laying on the table, as if somebody had placed it there and opened it, but hadn't gone through it at all. His lips twitched slightly, as he began to notice the unusual feeling he was getting. The atmosphere seemed dark, darker than before. There was obviously an upset spirit in the room, but Phil couldn't see anybody.

Until a hand was placed upon his tensed shoulder, and he jumped back, turning to see Lucifer towering over him, and he was not happy. It was silent as Lucifer's grip began to tighten on his shoulder and soon there was a burning sensation and Phil finally shrieked when it got overwhelming, shoving Lucifer away. But he was quick to react, pushing Phil back until he was on his sofa, pinned there by the taller demon.

Phil thought that Lucifer was going to exile him, kill him, or torture him. After all, he did just reveal a huge secret to a living being, who could spread it around. People might not believe him, but others who have failed to convert certain Christians in his school would put two and two together and it would not be good.

Instead of snapping his neck then and there like Lucifer was expected to, he began to laugh. It started off as a chuckle, then grew into a cold cackle that broke the delicate thing known as silence. If sounds could kill, Phil would've been dead then and there. It was absolutely terrifying, and Phil was trembling.

It stopped. Suddenly, like it had begun, and Lucifer began to press down on Phil's neck with his arm. Of course, there was no air supply to cut off, but Phil couldn't help but gasp, as it was a natural response.

"Who the fuck do you think you are," Lucifer began, gritting his teeth, "telling Daniel that? After you got him to fuck you? You were so close, and you fucked everything up! I began to count on you, and you-"

"Lord Lucifer," Somebody interrupted. The pressure was taken off Phil's neck as his overlord sat up, turning his torso to see who had entered, which was the infamous Gordan. Phil let out a quiet groan and Lucifer punched his chest.

"I'm busy, Gordan," He grunted, and Gordan nodded curtly, glancing at Phil with - _was that humour? _\- in his eyes.__

"And I understand that, my lordship, but I was wondering if I could bring that back to mine?" Gordan's eyes travelled to the case file and that's when Phil began to move, attempting to push Lucifer off.

"You can't give Gordan the case! He'll screw up everything-" Phil had more to say, but Lucifer was quick to cut him off, throwing him off the sofa with so much force Phil couldn't open his mouth again. He could swear Gordan chuckled.

"Go ahead. Be quick, we need to attack Dan before he comes to his senses," The words seeped between Lucifer's teeth with so much bitterness it made Phil sick, or it would have if it was possible. Gordan began to step over to the table, and as he went to grab the folder, Phil panicked. If Gordan was put on the case, Dan would most definitely die. He couldn't let another one die. Heart racing, Phil jumped up, swiping the folder from the table, and began to ran. " _LESTER!_ " Lucifer shrieked, and he ran faster, soon vanishing and reappearing on a cold, empty street in the middle of the night. He was panting, and he heard a swoosh noise behind him and turned to see Gordan.

"Fuck off!" He held the case close to his chest. Gordan was already advancing.

"You can't actually have feelings for him. He's alive and you're dead. You killed yourself! Maybe if you weren't dead you could know him in real life!" Gordan tried to snatch it. Phil stepped to the side. "You got your first boyfriend killed, and now Dan's already dead. Don't you see? The weight that has been put on his shoulders is too much, by the time you reach him he'll be dead, just wait-"

"I said _FUCK OFF! _" Phil threw out his right hand, using his left to hold the folder. His eyes closed and all he could hear was ringing. A high pitched ringing, in both his ears...__

Phil didn't want to look. He knew what he would see, and it would just confirm everything Lucifer told him. His hand trembled as his arm dropped back to his side and he opened his watery eyes.

Phil was aware that he had killed Gordan. When Gordan got close to him, Phil had obviously felt threatened and tapped into some of his powers. So when he threw out his hand, a gust of the wind blew Gordan back, making Gordan lose control of his footing. A truck had been coming down the road at the same time and hadn't seen the scene until Gordan had hit his windshield and his neck was definitely snapped. There was no blood, demons don't bleed. But Gordon was unresponsive and Phil let out a quiet sob at the realization,

He had murdered another person.

The driver got out of the truck, not bothering to stop the horn that was causing Phil's ears to ring, and looked to him for an explanation. Blood trickled down his head as there was a piece of glass from the windshield stuck there and he looked terrified, obviously confused a as to how a ginger boy had been thrown through his windshield. Instead of making an excuse, Phil ran. It was a natural instinct.

"PHIL!" A familiar voice shouted. Phil began to slow down, slightly scared to see who it was. The fog began to clear as he got closer to the person down the street and he let his shoulders drop, seeing a distressed, pastel boy. "What the hell are you doing?!" Dan screamed, looking tired. His hair was ruffled and his eyes were red, from crying or lack of sleep. The horn must've woken him, the entire neighbourhood most likely. Phil began to notice the lights turning on and doors opening nearby.

Phil wasn't sure what to say. I murdered somebody? It was to protect you? I'm sorry? He opened his mouth without thinking, deciding to let whatever come out. "I-I did it again, I didn't mean to-" He choked on his words,

Dan looked from Phil to the scene behind him, squinting to get a better view. He didn't seem to understand until he saw the truck. "Did what- Oh, oh Phil,"

 _Why isn't he yelling at me?_ , Phil wondered as Dan's arms slid around his neck, and he didn't understand that he was being pulled in for a hug until He was pressed up against Dan's chest. He accepted it gratefully. "Come on. Let's just get to my house, you can tell me the story later. You look like a mess."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now we gotta wait another 84 years for the next chapter. sorry


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> our adventure is ONE CHAPTER AWAY from ending! TRIGGER WARNINGS - LOTS OF SUICIDE TALK & MENTIONS, READ WITH CAUTION

If Phil wasn't sure if Dan continued to like him after he told him about his demon situation, he definitely knew now. Because he wouldn't be at Dan's house, wrapped up in a blanket, sipping water on Dan's bed if Dan hated him. His hands were still trembling, causing the water in the cup to splash over the edge and trickle down his hand. A quiet laugh almost escaped his lips at the thought of what he most likely looked like to Dan; a maniac. 

"Phil," Dan's voice began to drag him out of his mind, and Phil's head turned to look at him. Dan was currently sitting in front of his own bed, looking down at a notebook. Phil wondered when he got it since he didn't remember Dan grabbing it. "I researched your death. Which sounds bad, but it was all over the news. So when I googled it and all this information came up, I couldn't help myself," Phil almost felt betrayed. He had told Dan the story himself, but Dan turned to news to make sure he was telling the truth? The news lies about everything, they probably made Phil look like a murderer. _Because that's what I am, right? A murderer._

"I'm sorry."

Phil's eyebrows furrowed. "For what?" He knew exactly for what. They both knew what he was sorry for. Kicking Phil out after their hookup, not believing him, getting him into trouble. But he pretended not to know - just to make Dan feel a little better.

"For doubting you. I mean, I'm not super sorry, but I am just a little bit. I should have at least heard you out. A lot of your story makes sense. I'm just," Dan paused, looking for the right word, and then nodded. "Sad, I guess." A quiet laugh escaped Dan's lips, "For thinking somebody actually likes me back, you know, somebody I can actually date," Phil gulped.

"I do like you," He began in a whisper, "And it would never work. A demon and a human. People have tried it before, and unfortunately it doesn't end well. Lucifer," He paused, seeing Dan's expression change, "Satan, if you will. He basically kills people who fall in love with humans, or he'll kill their love interest just to punish them. Most of the time the person goes to Heaven, as they really didn't commit a crime. It's not their fault they fell in love with a demon." Phil's head began to lower, "Which is where you belong, but I messed it up. I'm going to make them leave you alone. I don't know how, but you're not dying a sinner. I'm going to make sure they don't go near you again for the rest of your life," He pauses, "Even if it means taking mine."

"What? Phil, you have no life. You're already dead." Dan rolled his eyes, causing Phil shook his head. He knew it would be hard to explain to a living being, you couldn't understand as well as others unless you were dead.

"We can die twice. Which sounds dumb, I know, but it's like a second chance I get. Heaven and Hell is your time to adjust to the afterlife, convert people or help God while you can, and then go to a world of black when you're at peace. Or you can get killed by Lucifer. That'll do it too."

"You know, I don't believe in stuff like this." A smile tugged at the end of Phil's lips, knowing Dan was going to continue his sentence. "But since I googled your death and it came up and you're here in front of me, I'll have to believe it." Phil put the cup of water by Dan's bed.

"I don't know what to do now. Lucifer will have my head for sure!" Phil dragged his hands down his face, and Dan moved closer to comfort him, resting his hand on his shoulder. It didn't help much.

"He might spare you, right? If you do manage to drive me to suicide?" Phil's head snapped up.

"Excuse me?"

"You know," Dan averted his eyes, and began to move his thumbs around each other nervously, "If I kill myself, he might not kill you, cause he wants me dead right? So if I kill myself, you'll be fine, and we can be together. We can be happy together." Phil felt his stomach falling with every word that came out of Daniel's mouth, horrified. He stood, letting Dan's blanket fall from his shoulders.

"You're not killing yourself, not after everything I've been through to protect you, Dan! We like each other but fate isn't kind, fate doesn't work in people's favor, especially murderers like me!" Phil began to shout, tears brimming his eyes, and for a second he felt actual rage. Then it vanished. He was a demon, how could he feel human emotions?

"Phil, we can be together. Isn't that what you wanted, for us to be together? It can't work out with me alive, you said it yourself. It'll fix all our problems, just trust me." Dan was almost pleading. Pleading for Phil to let him die, to let him hang himself, shoot himself, cut himself, overdose, jump - 

"I said no!" Phil screamed as loud as he could, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks. "No, Dan! If you kill yourself, I'm not being with you at all! I'll pretend to not even know you!" Dan looked enraged.

"Are you serious? I'm doing this for us, Phil. I'm doing it because I love you, for fucks sake! Why can't you accept that? Why can't you accept the fact we're meant to be? Fate is bullshit, we can rewrite it! We can be together if you'd just let me do this!" 

Phil wiped his eyes, then stood up straight and looked at Dan. "No. I'm going back, Dan. I'll tell them to spare your life for mine, they'll accept that. Goodbye, Dan. I love you too."

"PHIL!" And he was gone. Dan was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will maybe be out mid july-august xoxo


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there was  
> nothing except  
> the screaming  
> of his mother.
> 
> heavy themes - highly triggering  
> dont read if ur sensitive.

Dan Howell was in fact, not panicking right now. Dan Howell had never panicked in his life, so why would he panic now? His spirit boyfriend was just going to throw himself into the arms of the Devil himself and accept death for the second time—not a big deal.

He was scrambling for something—anything—to help him. But his gut told him that he couldn't do anything. It's not like he could just show up in Hell and be like, "Hey, Phil! Don't kill yourself for me, because I'd be really upset and I really do love you! You're the only person that makes me feel something other than sadness!" because if you haven't noticed, Dan Howell is not the best with words or plans.

"Okay, Dan, think. You got straight A's throughout school, you can do this, this is totally what school prepared me for—"

"Daniel? Are you awake?" His mother was home. Dan's mom usually worked late, since she had an office job. It required her to wake up early and then stay in late, but it got their family lots of money. She tried her best to parent Dan, since their father was usually on business trips and Adrian was out hanging out with his friends, doing God knows what. Probably some weird preteen stuff.

Dan peeked out of his room. "Uh, yeah, sorry. I can't sleep, dunno why—"

"Oh, baby. Come here." His mother spread her arms, and Dan walked over slowly, cautious. His mother only acted like this when something was up. Like one of them was upset, or had to be told bad news.

"Why? What's happened? Is everyone okay?" Dan's mind jumped to the worst possible scenarios. Did he lose his brother? Dad? Well, it's not like much would change if his dad was gone. Just a little bit less money for their family. 

"Your friend, Phil? I think that was his name. Anyways, he showed up at my work, talking about how you didn't feel good, said that school was stressing you out. You know you can talk to me about anything Dan, especially if you're thinking about, you know..." His mom made some strange hand gestures, which wasn't helpful at all because Dan had no idea what she was trying to communicate.

"What, mom? Stop doing that with your hands, it's useless." Dan rubbed his eyes. He kind of just wanted to sleep, now that his mom was just spewing bullshit at him.

"You know."

"I don't."

"Suicide, Daniel!"

"Jesus fucking Christ."

"I don't want you to ever—and I mean ever—hurt yourself or get those thoughts! You're my baby boy, and your brother wouldn't be able to handle it—" Dan put his hand up, signalling his mother to stop talking.

"I'm not suicidal. I don't know why you'd get that idea, or believe anything anyone says about that. I've had a good life, I don't need to be suicidal."

"But your friend said you were! Mental illness does run in our family, Daniel, I just have to look out for you, you know that!"

"He was lying, mom. You're so oblivious sometimes. Phil isn't even a good liar." He began walking to his room, and his mother scowled.

"Daniel James Howell! You will not address your mother so coldly!"

"Well I just did!" Dan slammed his door, and winced behind it. He didn't want to get into a fight with his mom, not now. But why would Phil lie to his mom about that?

And then it clicked.

Dan's eyes flicked towards his dresser.

 

 

_Racing, running, desperation._

_Anger, joy, happiness — love._

Dan's hands worked faster than before.

 

_Panting, loud, brash, awkward._

_Shy, quiet, calm, serene._

It fit, just like a necklace.

 

_Pink lips, pale face — blue eyes, soft voice._

_Harsh eyes, soft smile — loud voice, cold hands._

_Dan Howell and Phil Lester were made for each other,_

One foot on the stool,

 

_They'd have to try harder to keep them apart._

And then nothing.

 

It was almost dead quiet, for only a few minutes, until there was the scream of a mother who had just found her baby boy's body swinging from a noose in his closet, a crumbled up note in his hand. She had to pull him down from the noose, still sobbing, repeating over and over that it was just a bad dream. Just a bad dream, and she'd wake up in a few minutes and her baby boy would be fine, and Dan would be sassing her in the morning about how she needs to stop overworking herself and fussing about everything. She was hugging Dan Howell desperately, clinging to him as if she could somehow give her all the life she had instead, and take the very little he had left for herself. The police showed up within the next ten minutes, and Dan Howell's mother learned that the neighbors called the police after hearing the screaming. She had to be ripped away from her baby's body, kicking and screaming. They questioned her, and she couldn't reply. She had no answers, no explanation. She tried so hard, she tried to be the best for him. But it didn't matter, because he was gone. Forever.

"I thought Phil Lester was his friend," She whispered, clutching the note,

 

_dear mom, dad, & adrian_

_i was never suicidal. but this life has nothing left to offer me,_

_i must move on and see to what i was truly made for. who i was made for—phil lester._

_im in love. im sorry. i didnt want to hurt you guys. you've been so good_

_im sorry_

_lots of love, daniel_

 

Phil Lester was, in fact, not having the time of his life, trying to convince Lucifer not to kill him. "He won't give in, you know. If I'm dead. He knows everything. It's useless, why don't you just move on? Forget this ever happened? If we just go to him and ask him not to tell anyone, to just move on, it'll be fine. We'll be fine. You don't have to do anything. Please, I didn't mean for any of this to happen." He was rambling. Rambling for his life, since he was 99% aware if he didn't make a good statement his life would be taken within seconds.

"Phil, what've you done?"

"I don't need a lecture, Peej."

"That wasn't Peej." Lucifer crossed his arms very slowly, a small smile crossing over his face. He motioned behind Phil.

Phil turned, and his hand flew to his mouth. A wave of emotions came over him, and he began sobbing uncontrollably.

" _Daniel!_ "

Dan held him close, smiling wildly. "It's okay, Phil. I promise it's okay."

"You're dead."

"They'll never take us away from each other ever again."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this. your support means everything.
> 
> please dont kill yourself. there's going to be someone in the world who feels like dan howell's mother. i put all my emotion into that part because i do know how it feels when someone close to you commits suicide. its not nice, it aint fun. its horrible to go through, and if you've gone through that, im so sorry. may we all heal, slowly but surely.
> 
> suicide is never the answer. if you're getting suicidal thoughts, please REACH OUT. you can call a hotline ( or talk to a trusted adult or friend. you're never alone in this world, i can promise you that.
> 
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> my obsession with dan&phil has slowly gone down to a mild love. that & my depression has stopped me from writing. i recently got inspiration to finish this once and for all. i hope it was enough.
> 
> thank you again. please dont take any of this to heart. i love you all. take care and goodnight.
> 
> TUMBLR - htmlugh


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